Amazing Tropical Citrus Detox Treatment!

People focus on the ingredients in a recipe, but the real alchemical magick is the process in which ingredients are brought together. That's what makes this new treatment I've developed so uniquely special. It draws on traditions from the North Caucasus Mountains as well as North Africa. Keepin' it Northern, ya'll! I didn't even know there was such a thing as ancient Caucasian alternative medicines, but here you go!

From my research, I've learned that these "immune-boosting" wonder foods "build good gut health and [are] full of electrolytes,"[1]; as well as aiding digesting, capable of "stabilizing blood sugar; lowering cholesterol; healing; hydration; and even replacing blood plasma in an emergency."[2] Coconut has been recognized as antibiotic, antifungal, antiviral and antibacterial. They can also keep wrinkles at bay, regulate hormones, zelate your metabolism, raise energy levels, prevent tooth decay, and good for hydration.[2]

The health benefits of citrus include "weight loss, skin care, improved digestion, relief from constipation, eye care, and treatment of scurvy, piles, peptic ulcer, respiratory disorders, gout, gums, urinary disorders," "help[s] to cure rheumatism, prostate and colon cancer, cholera, arteriosclerosis, fatigue and even high fevers,"[3]; a super-food that helps diabetes, heart disease, and eye health.

'Salted Limes - close up' photo by David Pursehouse is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

The process of this treatment involves fermentation, which is known to convert "natural sugars and carbs into bacteria-boosting agents"[4]. Some fermented foods increase brain health while diminishing depression and anxiety. Is it possible for a food to be probiotic and antibacterial at the same time? We'll find out!

For my purposes, the most important health benefit was relieving stomach ailments, as described by several doctors.[5]

Amazing Tropical Citrus Detox Treatment 
recipe

The first step is to make Moroccan preserved limes, which takes 3-4 weeks. You'll need:

2.5 pounds of limes
.25 cups pickling salt
glass jar or food-safe ceramic vessel

Normal table salt or other kinds of salt may have additives that prevent fermentation. Thankfully, pickling salt is cheap.

1. Cut the ends off the lime rinds, but don't cut into the yummy part inside.
2. Cut down from the top as if you're going to quarter the limes, but don't cut all the way through. Stop cutting about a quarter or half inch from the bottom, so the segments are still attached to the rind at the base.
3. Rub salt into the cuts you made in each lime. Stack a quarter of them in your glass jar or container.
4. Use a potato masher, wooden spoon, or some other implement to mash the limes. The juice will combine with the salt to form a brine. You want to get them to release enough juice so that the limes will be submerged in the brine. Any piece of rind or pulp or fruit that sticks up above the level of brine may turn moldy. Some people set weights on top like a plate or saucer with a rock on top to hold the fruit below the level of brine. If you have a jar or smaller container, you might try a plastic bag full of water set on top of the fruit.
5. Continue stacking and mashing in layers until you fill the container.
6. If you didn't use all of the .25 cups of salt, toss the last of it in the jar with the limes. Note that using plastic or steel containers instead of glass or ceramic can interfere with the fermentation process, or may corrode the steel. With plastic, you might never get the smell out.
7. Leave the vessel of limes at room temperature for three to four weeks. Check every few days to tamp down anything sticking above the brine. Supposedly these can last 12 to 24 months with no refrigeration, but I stick it in the fridge when it's done fermenting because I'm chicken. Mmmm, chicken!


The second step is to brew up some coconut water kefir. You'll need:

.25 cups kefir grains or water kefir starter
6 cups coconut water, the younger the better
.5 cups fresh-squeezed lime juice

1. Combine coconut water and kefir grains in an hermetically sterilized glass jar. Some people prefer to cover the jar with cheesecloth, but you may be keeping out healthful dust that way.
2. Leave the jar at room temperature for 48 hours.
3. Strain the coconut water kefir. You can use the grains to make another batch of kefir later.


Are you ready for the final step?

1. Put the lime in the coconut.
2. Drink them both up.
3. Put the lime in the coconut.
4. Drink them both together.
5. Put the lime in the coconut.
6. Then you'll feel better.

Of course the best ways to get this treatment into your system rapidly would be using it as a colonic, or a urethral cleanse.






Footnotes/links
1. http://thecoconutmama.com/coconut-water-kefir/
2. http://undergroundhealthreporter.com/coconut-health-benefits/#axzz3nbYgGA9E
3. https://www.organicfacts.net/health-benefits/fruit/health-benefits-of-lime.html
4. http://www.earthclinic.com/remedies/fermented-foods.html
5. http://secondhandsongs.com/work/12291/versions


Disclaimer: Although there are people who proclaim most of the health benefits listed in this blog post (as you can see from the actual links), I don't necessarily believe any of them. Neither should you unless you find reputable sources to back up the claims. If coconut water kefir mixed with Moroccan preserved limes accomplishes anything other than tasting good, it would be news to me. And I wouldn't even vouch for it tasting good because I haven't tried this recipe. It's cobbled together from Coconut Mama's recipe for Coconut Water Kefir and Nourishedkitchen.com's recipe for Moroccan Preserved Lemons. Those sound like perfectly good recipes. I don't mean to imply that their blogs make far-fetched health claims like the kind I've made here, although you should approach their claims with the same healthy level of skepticism you'd apply to any claims.

If you took any part of this post seriously, please recalibrate your bullshit detector. I'd suggest any time you hear or read terms like "detox" or "super food" or curing cancer, you should assume they are untrue unless they can prove it. I'm suspicious of the word "cleanse" except when used in promotional materials for Mr. Clean. Listen to the song "Step Right Up" by Tom Waits several times. It may help you recognize when people are selling you hogwash, or at least serve as a reminder that hogwash salesman are everywhere.

Some of the completely fictional ideas I added to this post are:

• that coconuts can "zelate" your metabolism. I thought I had made up that word, but apparently it means to love ardently or become zealous. 
• I have no idea how you would "hermetically sterilize" a jar or what benefits it gives, but that is a real thing. 
• Although I'm too lazy to put cheesecloth over jars of fermenting food, I doubt there is such a thing as "healthful dust."
• Urethral cleanse? Just NO.