Spaghetti Squash With Mushrooms and Parmesan, But Without Cancer!

You asked for it! And by "you," I mean Ame. She suggested that I write a parody of all the annoying spaghetti squash recipes she sees on social media. I can't remember if she said Pinterest or Facebook, but I'm sure they both have their fair share.

I looked for some spag-squash recipes on Pinterest, and I love fungus, which is what mushrooms are, so I picked this one from Caroline on Pickledplum.com. Spaghetti Squash with Mushrooms Parmesan. It's gluten-free because you're using squash instead of pasta. That's good if you have gluten sensitivity or gluten superstition or gluten hypochondria. Is there a phrase for "cheesy vegetarian," like if you avoid meat but you're okay with cheese? ... Yes, Wikipedia says it's called "lacto-vegetarian." That describes this recipe too.

So let's get down to the pictures!

This is a spaghetti squash. I'm confident of that identification because of the sticker that was on it. The recipe calls for a two pound squash.

This was probably 3-4 pounds, so I saved half of it for another day.

Have you seen mushrooms before?

That's what these are.

White button mushrooms.

This is what mushrooms look like after you slice them.

I minced some garlic into this steel thing that's supposed to be used for poaching eggs.

We tried poached eggs once and it was a lot of hassle without much pay-off,

so I just use them like ramekins. I mean, I guess people cook things in ramekins.

I use them as little containers to hold spices or minced garlic or stuff like that.

Whoa, that tablespoon of thyme is so fresh, you can't even get it in focus.
When I started cooking the garlic and thyme in oil, this stuff was popping and spitting and leaping out of the pan. But it did have more flavor than dried thyme.

Have you seen mushrooms sauteing in olive oil in a pan before?

With garlic and thyme? Here's what mine looked like.

Here's the spaghetti squash after I baked it for an hour at 380 degrees F.

Does your oven have a setting for 380? Mine doesn't.
The recipe on pickledplum.com linked to another site with

basic instructions for baking spaghetti squash.

Most people cut it in half or quarters, then bake it.

It's hard to cut through the skin when it's raw, but easy after it's baked,

so they recommend just bake the whole thing and cut it afterwards.

I think next time I will cut it first though, because with their way, you end up

pulling out a lot of the good stringy parts to remove the seeds.

Here's what it looked like as I pulled out the good parts of the squash.

You don't have to work hard with the fork to shred it.

The stuff just naturally comes away in shreds,

plus it separates easily from a very thin skin that's left over.

So it's not like you're wasting a thick rind or something, like with watermelon.

Can you believe people make sweet pickles out of watermelon rind?

I guess it's edible, but that sounds like somebody was running out of food

and got desperate and just pickled anything they could.

Cubans supposedly marinated grapefruit rinds and grilled them like steaks,

during the "challenging period" after Russia stopped subsidizing them.

I totally want to find that recipe and try it someday.

Here's another pic after half of the squash was scraped clean.

See what I mean about the thin shell that's left?

If you follow that recipe, I guess you're supposed to turn off the mushrooms and set them aside while the squash finishes baking and then after you scoop out the squash, you add it to the skillet and bring it up to high again for one minute? That seems silly. I'd bake my squash to start with, then wait til it's cooled to room temp, scoop it all out into a container. Then start off sauteing garlic and thyme, add mushrooms, finish off with the squash and Parmesan. Obviously that's the cheap kind that comes in a container pre-grated. I also totally skipped parsley because it doesn't impress me much.

Here's what the final thing looked like in my black bowl.

Not as dark as the stuff in Caroline's pictures, but it turned out good.

Caroline also has a picture telling what she thinks each ingredient will cure or ailments that they are supposed to help you with. I'm guessing parsley is not a substitute for chemotherapy, but your mileage may vary. Have you seen any studies proving these foods will NOT cure cancer?
I rest my case.

That's all I got!
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Share and enjoy!

Amazing Tropical Citrus Detox Treatment!

People focus on the ingredients in a recipe, but the real alchemical magick is the process in which ingredients are brought together. That's what makes this new treatment I've developed so uniquely special. It draws on traditions from the North Caucasus Mountains as well as North Africa. Keepin' it Northern, ya'll! I didn't even know there was such a thing as ancient Caucasian alternative medicines, but here you go!

From my research, I've learned that these "immune-boosting" wonder foods "build good gut health and [are] full of electrolytes,"[1]; as well as aiding digesting, capable of "stabilizing blood sugar; lowering cholesterol; healing; hydration; and even replacing blood plasma in an emergency."[2] Coconut has been recognized as antibiotic, antifungal, antiviral and antibacterial. They can also keep wrinkles at bay, regulate hormones, zelate your metabolism, raise energy levels, prevent tooth decay, and good for hydration.[2]

The health benefits of citrus include "weight loss, skin care, improved digestion, relief from constipation, eye care, and treatment of scurvy, piles, peptic ulcer, respiratory disorders, gout, gums, urinary disorders," "help[s] to cure rheumatism, prostate and colon cancer, cholera, arteriosclerosis, fatigue and even high fevers,"[3]; a super-food that helps diabetes, heart disease, and eye health.

'Salted Limes - close up' photo by David Pursehouse is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

The process of this treatment involves fermentation, which is known to convert "natural sugars and carbs into bacteria-boosting agents"[4]. Some fermented foods increase brain health while diminishing depression and anxiety. Is it possible for a food to be probiotic and antibacterial at the same time? We'll find out!

For my purposes, the most important health benefit was relieving stomach ailments, as described by several doctors.[5]

Amazing Tropical Citrus Detox Treatment 
recipe

The first step is to make Moroccan preserved limes, which takes 3-4 weeks. You'll need:

2.5 pounds of limes
.25 cups pickling salt
glass jar or food-safe ceramic vessel

Normal table salt or other kinds of salt may have additives that prevent fermentation. Thankfully, pickling salt is cheap.

1. Cut the ends off the lime rinds, but don't cut into the yummy part inside.
2. Cut down from the top as if you're going to quarter the limes, but don't cut all the way through. Stop cutting about a quarter or half inch from the bottom, so the segments are still attached to the rind at the base.
3. Rub salt into the cuts you made in each lime. Stack a quarter of them in your glass jar or container.
4. Use a potato masher, wooden spoon, or some other implement to mash the limes. The juice will combine with the salt to form a brine. You want to get them to release enough juice so that the limes will be submerged in the brine. Any piece of rind or pulp or fruit that sticks up above the level of brine may turn moldy. Some people set weights on top like a plate or saucer with a rock on top to hold the fruit below the level of brine. If you have a jar or smaller container, you might try a plastic bag full of water set on top of the fruit.
5. Continue stacking and mashing in layers until you fill the container.
6. If you didn't use all of the .25 cups of salt, toss the last of it in the jar with the limes. Note that using plastic or steel containers instead of glass or ceramic can interfere with the fermentation process, or may corrode the steel. With plastic, you might never get the smell out.
7. Leave the vessel of limes at room temperature for three to four weeks. Check every few days to tamp down anything sticking above the brine. Supposedly these can last 12 to 24 months with no refrigeration, but I stick it in the fridge when it's done fermenting because I'm chicken. Mmmm, chicken!


The second step is to brew up some coconut water kefir. You'll need:

.25 cups kefir grains or water kefir starter
6 cups coconut water, the younger the better
.5 cups fresh-squeezed lime juice

1. Combine coconut water and kefir grains in an hermetically sterilized glass jar. Some people prefer to cover the jar with cheesecloth, but you may be keeping out healthful dust that way.
2. Leave the jar at room temperature for 48 hours.
3. Strain the coconut water kefir. You can use the grains to make another batch of kefir later.


Are you ready for the final step?

1. Put the lime in the coconut.
2. Drink them both up.
3. Put the lime in the coconut.
4. Drink them both together.
5. Put the lime in the coconut.
6. Then you'll feel better.

Of course the best ways to get this treatment into your system rapidly would be using it as a colonic, or a urethral cleanse.






Footnotes/links
1. http://thecoconutmama.com/coconut-water-kefir/
2. http://undergroundhealthreporter.com/coconut-health-benefits/#axzz3nbYgGA9E
3. https://www.organicfacts.net/health-benefits/fruit/health-benefits-of-lime.html
4. http://www.earthclinic.com/remedies/fermented-foods.html
5. http://secondhandsongs.com/work/12291/versions


Disclaimer: Although there are people who proclaim most of the health benefits listed in this blog post (as you can see from the actual links), I don't necessarily believe any of them. Neither should you unless you find reputable sources to back up the claims. If coconut water kefir mixed with Moroccan preserved limes accomplishes anything other than tasting good, it would be news to me. And I wouldn't even vouch for it tasting good because I haven't tried this recipe. It's cobbled together from Coconut Mama's recipe for Coconut Water Kefir and Nourishedkitchen.com's recipe for Moroccan Preserved Lemons. Those sound like perfectly good recipes. I don't mean to imply that their blogs make far-fetched health claims like the kind I've made here, although you should approach their claims with the same healthy level of skepticism you'd apply to any claims.

If you took any part of this post seriously, please recalibrate your bullshit detector. I'd suggest any time you hear or read terms like "detox" or "super food" or curing cancer, you should assume they are untrue unless they can prove it. I'm suspicious of the word "cleanse" except when used in promotional materials for Mr. Clean. Listen to the song "Step Right Up" by Tom Waits several times. It may help you recognize when people are selling you hogwash, or at least serve as a reminder that hogwash salesman are everywhere.

Some of the completely fictional ideas I added to this post are:

• that coconuts can "zelate" your metabolism. I thought I had made up that word, but apparently it means to love ardently or become zealous. 
• I have no idea how you would "hermetically sterilize" a jar or what benefits it gives, but that is a real thing. 
• Although I'm too lazy to put cheesecloth over jars of fermenting food, I doubt there is such a thing as "healthful dust."
• Urethral cleanse? Just NO.